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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27368755">Baby I'm falling. Will you catch me?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aquawynter/pseuds/Aquawynter'>Aquawynter</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>"Was I ever enough", Angst, Day 2, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Insecurity, M/M, but not too much</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 17:00:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,588</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27368755</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aquawynter/pseuds/Aquawynter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Was I ever enough, Shoyo?" Kenma asked the walls, too cowardly to ask the question in person. It was futile anyways. Hinata was gone and he would never get the answer for that question.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Deep down, he had known the answer himself. No, he was not enough. He would never be enough for Hinata Shoyo.</p>
<p>(Written for Haikyuu Angst Week D-2)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma, Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Baby I'm falling. Will you catch me?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I started writing this in the middle of the night at 1 am and deleted it because it was all over the place. Turns out it was still in my folder and I hadn't deleted it so I decided to post it here one day late cuz why not. Angst is something I enjoy writing (I'm not a sadist I swear), but I haven't written anything in ages and I'm currently using hq fanfic as my warm up so the quality might not be the best.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No real story, I was sleep deprived and just word vomited.(Also not beta read, I don't deserve a beta. It's a waste of time for the poor soul)</p>
<p>Also contains video game references (like a lot) but I don't play video games so read at your own risk (I played Genshin Impact for one week and suddenly I'm a pro-gamer.Ignore my dumbass)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>T/W: Insecurities / Mentioned Cheating</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Kenma, don't cry"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Am I not allowed to even fucking cry?" Kenma barked, for the first time not caring about the effect his words might be having on his boyfriend. He was always cautious with his words but couldn't find to care about them anymore. Especially when said boyfriend doesn't care about his feelings. Hinata balked at the words but wore an indifferent face so as to not to show his emotions.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kenma's heart that was holding his feelings suddenly couldn't hold them in anymore, the weight of it all unbearably heavy until the tears that leaked out of his eyes eased the load. His heart saw the route of escape and unleashed the pent up sadness manifesting as tears, wrecking his whole body. He hid his face under his arm covered by his oversized hoodie, suddenly grateful for the costume he had once hated on, for shielding his face from his ex-boyfriend. A choked sob broke from his throat that was raw and burning from crying few hours ago, unbeknownst to Hinata.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hinata sat beside him silently, clueless on what to do next. <em>If I get up and leave, would that be too insensitive? But Kenma always preferred to handle his feelings alone? </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I'm not a fucking child you treat me like. I can take care of myself, you can leave" Kenma did consider himself special for being able to read the thoughts of Hinata who was otherwise simultaneously the person who wore his heart on his sleeve and a person who spoke with layers to his words.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kenma always saw through the layers but sometimes he wishes he did not have the ability and live in bliss ignorance of the bitterness that followed his compliment or the way he sighed ever so slightly in annoyance at the prospect of spending his night with Kenma and not going out. Maybe if he did not know that, he could have continued their relationship as if every single move of Kenma did not grate on Hinata, who had found a much livelier partner to accompany him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hinata got up hesitantly and wrapped his scarf around his neck, making sure not to catch Kenma's eyes that were peeking from underneath his arm.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I know you didn't want to hear these words anymore but I'm sorry, Kenma and thank you, for everything" There was only radio silence once the door shut. Too tired, both physically and mentally, he curled himself on the couch and let his overgrown hair fall on his face to obscure his vision. He closed his eyes and let the words tumble of his lips that he was too cowardly to ask him to his face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Was I ever enough, Shoyo?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Kenma liked Hinata from the day they had met. There was something so captivating about him that he hadn't felt with anyone else. Kenma had seen guys with cuter smiles than his. He had seen guys with cheerful personalities, who were the right amount of bubbly and stayed endearing without crossing the line of being obnoxiously annoying. Yet somehow, it was Hinata who made him feel that <em>"I want to talk to him or rather I want him to talk to me instead of Kuro"</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>And Hinata being the good soul he is started the conversation between them. He spoke as if it was the end of the world and had to get everything out of him and despite getting monosyllabic responses in return,it didn't seem to deter him because he continued spouting words miles per minute. Kenma hung onto every word that left his lips, praying that they don't come to an end abruptly and he leaves.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hinata found him interesting enough since he had told him that he doesn't care for honorifics and can refer to each other by their first names and the conversation continued for a good 30 minutes since that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hinata was from Miyagi and Kenma was from Tokyo. For all he knows, that might be the last time they were meeting. The rushed exchange of phone numbers and emails did nothing to calm him down because Hinata's volleyball occupied brain could forget about him, no space left enough for other trivialities of life and Kenma feared that he would be nothing but a passing folly in his life. But Hinata proved for the first and definitely not the last time that he would always reach out for Kenma.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Their relationship only progressed as years passed. Hinata Shoyo went from Level 1 relationship status to Level 15 by the time he was in college and Kenma went from acquaintance to sponsor. It was built up on small things accumulated over the years, just like leveling up characters in a game. Unlike the completion of missions to gain exp points by grinding and upgrading 3 levels overnight, this was a gradual process. Every text they shared was 1 exp, 2 exp if it included an emoji from Kenma, a video call was warranted 10 exp and 15 exp if Kenma flirts. Their biggest upgrade was 50 exp when Hinata confessed on Valentine's Day which leveled him to a milestone of level 10.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But just like how the monsters get more difficult to eliminate as you level up, their relationship too faced obstacles. But Kenma didn't realize that his final boss would be the same one he had nurtured the entire time. It's pathetic, to a level that is funny because the end game which a video game builds is towards the final boss achieved through the years of increasing your rank. It's something you grow to expect and look forward to. When Kenma realized that Hinata was the final boss, why was he so pitiful and unprepared when the fight actually came? Isn't it something he should have been ready for?</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Up until a few months ago, Hinata was someone who was very special in his life. He was the 4 star character who he had leveled up with care. There were so many different 4 star characters, each with different attributes that he likes, each of them suitable for their own battles and Hinata was one such character who had received all the upgrades and level ups possible that made him the star of his team.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In real life, Hinata was the reliable constant in all his battles, be it big or small. In small battles of going out for shopping and buying new gadgets for Kenma and hanging out around the shopping mall, drinking boba tea and walking home hand in hand was like a side quest that gave really pleasant rewards for little to no work involved. But there were also much bigger battles fought where in damage were dealt to the one that encountered the monster.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And that came in the form of insecurities. Kenma's company going through a rough patch, his sponsorship for his videos dwindling once they realized they were funding someone who was rich and has his own company and therefore "Not relatable". Despite almost all streamers putting on a facade that they weren't rich and they were hashtag relatable, it was Kenma whom they had a problem with and Kenma did not even flaunt his wealth in any of his videos. His own insecurities of being unable to run the company and that he wasn't as talented and maybe had overestimated himself began to haunt him. But those were just the beginning.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was not able to interact with his fans in his streams the way he used to after reading one comment that called him boring, sent him down a spiral of re-watching his old videos and being hesitant to talk, just in case he gets called a boring streamer again. He had a conversation with his parents the following week who had sat him down and asked him to take a break from his career and focus on his college because he had already taken a break year and contemplated on taking a second one which his parents did not approve of,and had lectured him on how his college degree would guarantee him a job in the future, something that could not be said to his career as a pro-gamer, streamer and an entrepreneur. The thoughts that he had pushed to the back of his mind till then, reared its ugly head. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>I'm the one at fault. I can't handle four jobs, college and a relationship all at once. I can't set my priorities straight. I try to dabble on too many things at the same time that I can't manage to do a single thing up to perfection. All of them are lacking in some way. Why did I decide to put all these burdens upon myself at the age of 23? </em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p><em>Weren't all of these things I took up voluntarily because I enjoyed doing them? But why do they all feel like chores? Why do I feel more and more detached from them every day? Everything is exhausting.</em>   </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hinata came to the rescue just like a fairy tale's knight in shining armor. He enlisted the help of Kuroo and they had arranged so that Kenma would get a much needed brief break from everything, clear his mind and come back re-energized. It wasn't easy. Hinata had suffered damage from it. Kenma wouldn't relax despite much reassurance that it wouldn't affect his career whatsoever. He would over think everything and often get into fights with Hinata.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>What if my fans call me lazy? What happens if I miss any tournament that is announced? What happened to that one meeting in Bouncing Ball? I mean I can skip the stock trader-</em> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Kenma, four days break isn't a big deal"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"All you play is volleyball, what do you even know?" Kenma regretted the words the moment they left his mouth but he knows it was too late and that they had reached his ears. He apologized just as fast as he had said the words, while the weight of the previous words still hung in the air. The look of shock on Hinata's face as if he had been slapped followed by the pursing of lips, his face tensed up, let him know that the words had stung and rightfully so. He was only trying to help and Kenma had no excuse for using them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They had spoken about it overnight. One long jogging session and a shower later, Hinata had told him that he was over it and he knows that Kenma didn't mean it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But the way he avoided Kenma’s eyes said otherwise. The cracks in their relationship started getting more and more prominent and it took this conversation for Kenma to notice it. At first he did not. He was oblivious to it, just like he was to a lot of things. Then he had overheard the conversation Hinata had with Kuroo the same night that cleared up the fog, illuminating the issue. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"He wouldn't stop thinking negatively despite taking a break. I wish Kenma had an on/off switch where I could turn off his insecurities and all his worries." The lines may sound flattering on paper, like something spoken by a caring boyfriend. But Kenma who had invested his resources onto his most trusted part of his crew, knew him inside out, better than anyone else. He knew that those words that were meant to be lovely carried a tone of malice and exhaustion. It sounded as if he was fed up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kenma after a long internal battle, decided to ignore it just like how his character would be in dire need of weapon upgrade and he would vehemently refuse to do it until he loses the battle right before landing the final hit. It was his tendency, thinking he could push through until he could no longer do it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hinata was still Hinata. They had their usual hang outs and movie nights. The crevices he actively chose to ignore getting more and more deeper until he had to step in and take up matter in his hands.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And there was just something around the corner that dealt heavy blows to the crevice, finally splitting it into two. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Hinata often spoke about Atsumu Miya, the setter of his team, MSBY Black Jackals. Kenma would jokingly tease him that he had all the setters wrapped around his pinky. Atsumu was no different; he had wanted to set to Hinata for about 6 years and was finally able to do so. Kenma doesn't blame Atsumu for wanting to spend more time with Hinata, his boyfriend was an amazing person after all. He also understood that Hinata recharged his happiness different from himself and enjoyed hanging out with people more than staying cooped up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What started as "I'm having a dinner with my team" became "I'm having dinner with Atsumu-san", Atsumu finally got around meeting Kenma. The meeting was not the most pleasant one he had ever had with Kenma pricking Hinata to leave but he stayed rooted in his seat, wanting to hang out with Atsumu longer despite him always being understanding when it came to Kenma's social battery. Yet he willingly prolonged it just so he could talk more to his setter whom he hangs out with for 8 hours a day, 6 days a week.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"If you like Atsumu-san so much, then why don't you date him?" Kenma said his voice remaining calm, face like that of a placid lake unlike the outburst that is expected with words like those. Kenma isn't a person who holds grudges or the one to get jealous easily but hearing about Atsumu's antics on court for about an hour from his boyfriend who was so giddy that his dinner was long forgotten while he waved his spoon in the air animatedly, Kenma decided it was enough.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Kenma" he had said, finally noticing his soup which had long gone cold "Why would you say that?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I don't know. Why do you think so, Shoyo?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Insecurities are a bitch. They don't know when to show up and bring their friends uninvited along with it. Suddenly, everything is hostile and you want to quit playing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kenma started becoming overly conscious of his looks when he saw thirst comments of Atsumu ranging from "Atsumu is built like a Greek God" to "I want his sweat to be my last meal on Earth as he slaps my face like a volleyball into oblivion".</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Why was he looking up Atsumu Miya on Twitter definitely had everything to do with Hinata. It turns out to be the biggest mistake he had done because he had to see random people on the Internet praise the body of the man who was undeniably handsome. He was 6 feet 2 with a well-sculpted body of a professional athlete. Kenma knows he wasn't physically endowed like the players Hinata hangs around on a daily basis but he never let it bother him much as they did now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Also it turns out that despite the Internet knowing that Hinata Shoyo is in a relationship with Kozume Kenma, who was also a celebrity, doesn't stop them from making ship compilation videos between him and Atsumu. The self proclaimed 'Atsuhina shippers', created content that doesn't exist ranging from fanart to fanfiction. It would be childish and easily dismissible if it didn’t act as the fodder to the growing insecurities inside Kenma.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s funny how some of your fans ship you with Atsumu” Kenma had told him one night when they were watching a random anime. Hinata smiled but didn’t avert his gaze from the screen.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But they make some good points don’t you think? Atsumu is much more well-built and sexier than me and he has an interesting personality, outgoing and all” Kenma knew the response his words would elicit. Although he didn’t want to resort to such underhand techniques, he knew they were effective.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hinata would burst out, asking him why he was having thoughts like that, reassure him that he was an amazing person and that he likes him despite his flaws and that they were perfect for each other or something sappy followed by sleepy cuddles in the couch or lazy kisses across the face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Except he didn’t do that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hinata looked lost in thought, his eyes no longer focused on the screen but somewhere in the wall, his entire face looked like he was in a daze. His lips were lightly parted but no words came out of them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Shoyo” Kenma called bringing his face closer to his, looking at the former’s face intently, non-verbally urging him to meet his eyes. Even if he wasn’t going to reassure him, at least he wanted to know what was going on inside his head.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Kenma, it’s nothing” he said and excused himself, claiming he was tired. If only had Kenma called him and asked him to talk about his feelings honestly, he wouldn’t have to go through this amount of pain right now, the entire ordeal long over and forgotten six months ago.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He had no one to blame except himself. He knew their relationship was crumbling but yet decided to invest his all into it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Everyone longs for a 5 star character in a video game. They are a rarity to come by and usually require the usage of in-game and real life currency. If you want a 5 star character without carelessly spending your money, you accept the fate early on in the game and play accordingly, leveling up your 4 star characters with the maximum upgrades available because your chances are so low that they are practically non-existent. A very, very slim portion of people actually end up with the character sans the effort and money but Kenma wasn't that ridiculously lucky.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So what happens when you are 50 levels into the game with your trusted team of 4 star characters who are leveled up to the maximum and you pull a 5 star character fresh, with the most basic weapon and attacks?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If you ask Kenma, the pro-gamer, his answer would be ‘<em>I’m rich, I would start the game with two 5 star characters’</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>But if you ask Kenma, 23, answer would probably be “I mean, if you have the resources and the money, then level them up or just continue with your team. It’s a drag trying to put in the effort of collecting the resources and then leveling up for someone who shows up later in the game”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Unfortunately, not everyone shares the same line of thought as Kenma and there are some people who would go extreme lengths to invest their resources onto the character they have craved and have finally got the taste of, after being tired of the existing character and wouldn’t hesitate to switch between characters by introducing the 5 star into their team, the 4 star character they have gotten exhausted of ditched in a second.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>One such person happened to be Hinata Shoyo, unsurprising given his attitude to pursue everything to the fullest, with dedication the size of the mountain, who decided to pursue in shaping his 5 star character to the max and make it the strongest of his team replacing one unfortunate 4 star character whose purpose was extinguished.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And the 5 star character was named Miya Atsumu.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Was I ever enough, Shoyo” Kenma whispered knowing that he wasn’t there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Did he want to say the words to his face? Yes. Was he expecting an elaborate reply? Not really. He simply wanted to say it and have him, for one last time, selfishly hug him and say yes; he was enough and <em>then</em> leave him. He wanted the same arms that had wrapped around Atsumu’s broad body wrap around his lean one for one more time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>One last time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kenma was a coward. And it didn’t take a genius to figure it out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He was afraid. <em>What if Shoyo says no? Would I ever be able to recover from that?</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>Deep down, he knew the answer to the question. He was the four star character who was easily disposable. He was not the most handsome or well built or a cheerful person who cracked jokes. He always basked in the sunshine but never gave anything in return. He was not able to fulfill his requirements and didn’t meet his expectations. He was greedy and selfish to have Hinata tied to his side the entire time, have him deal with his moody personality and share his burdens yet was not able to make him smile the way Atsumu did.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He wanted to justify himself that Hinata cheated on him and thus, Hinata was the final boss and that he was gone and the game was over.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But Hinata was not a monster who was a final boss that required him to finish off.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He too, was another player in an open world game who was content with exploring the world, collecting apples and mushrooms, who enjoyed talking to all the non-playable characters, who found things such as finishing quests as trivial. They existed in the same Universe with opposite interests whose paths happened to intersect. And Hinata had found a new interest that he was ready to pursue and move on leaving Kenma stranded with no where to go.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No, I was never enough”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>I was never enough as a player. I was never enough as a partner. I was never enough as a friend. I was never enough as a boyfriend. </em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>I was never enough.  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I was never enough.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>And that concludes the story!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It isn't my usual writing style or my usual type of angst. But I'm most certainly proud(??) of something I wrote in 2 hours straight in the middle of the night that isn't my best or coherent but kinda makes sense??</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Anyways, thank you for taking time out of your day and giving this a shot. Go check out the tag on Twitter and here on AO3 for more amazing angsty content. Take care and have an amazing time. Till next time &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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